No stars. $0.50 ticket on a scale of $0 to $10.50

There is Less to This Than Meets the Eye (apologies to Tallulah Bankhead)

“10,000 B.C.” delivers little on its promises. That would not be so terrible, if it did not promise so little. The 1 ¾ hour epic from helmer Roland Emmerich has only one reason for existing: Almost $36 million in US box office gross on its opening weekend. With an estimated budget of $75 million, this Warner Bros. release should turn a profit. So much for the taste of the American public.

The premise of the film is laughable. A tribe of hunter gatherers, basically cavemen who hunt wooly mammoths, is raided by a band of marauders from a more technically advanced civilization, their people taken as slaves to build what appear to be Egyptian pyramids, although this is never spelled out. Subplot involves a young member of the tribe (Steven Strait), son of a man falsely accused of abandoning his people, who develops a lifelong mutual attraction with the tribe’s golden girl (Camilla Belle). On a quest to rescue his captive tribesmen, the young, accidental hero, encounters various tribes victimized by the pyramid builders, befriends them, and forges them into an unstoppable alliance against tyranny.

So much for the plot, such as it is.

The first unbelievable element is racial. There are white guys, black guys, and an elderly Asian woman all cohabitating in the same tribe of a few hundred people. Hello? Anyone have any conception of genetics here?

The second unbelievable element is the notion that these people should coexist in a land of harsh, snowy winters.

The third unbelievable element is the Asian woman. The nominal head of the tribe, “Old Mother” (Mona Hammond) is a psychic who literally lives the lives of those close to her. This sets up an audience cheating payoff as the film’s conclusion.

Once the audience has got past the silly assumptions, it is asked to accept a screenplay voiced by actors in the tribe in an incredibly stilted version of English, which probably ought to be subtitled, and utter gibberish (which is subtitled) from the other tribes and the pyramid builders.

There is only one funny line in the entire screenplay, voiced by Strait, and his excellent delivery is just a hint of what “10,000 B.C.” could have been had it been properly written and directed.

Best performances are delivered by the hangers on of the “God” king of the pyramid builders. High camp. The “God” King isn’t too bad, but a costume that makes him look like an elderly drag queen is more funny than dramatic.

Oh… one more thing… The wooly mammoths…. The hunter-gatherer tribe waits for years at a time for the arrival of the great beasts. Then if they are lucky, they trap one and eat it for a year or so.

If only they had found the pyramid builders, their dietary needs would have been filled for generations. The pyramid guys have hundreds of the beasts. They use them as prehistoric Mack diesel rigs, hauling giant bricks to build the pyramids.

Ultimately, the tribe of hunter gatherers become farmers. It’s both too cute for words…and too boring to watch.

The screenplay is stupid. The acting sucks, but not much better can be expected from actors saddled with so awful a script. Strait, at least, displays some charm. Lensing is adequate. Editing… hell, one could re-cut this picture from here to Kingdom Come and it would not get any better. Tech effects don’t undercut the material.

The cinematic tragedy that is “10,000 B.C.” could have been avoided. There is a wonderful thread about the accidental hero (Strait) that should have been developed. It contains the germ of a funny morality play…. Think “Nothing is Sacred.” Think Danny Kaye in the 1961 flick, “On the Double.” The real drama is the story of the accidental hero (Strait) who makes good when the chips are down.

The makers of “10,000 B.C.” would have been better advised to hire the Geico Cavemen and build a picture around them.